One of the Step Four questions in Paths to Recovery is, “Am I fearful? What do I fear? Why?”
Ha, ha. How much time do you have?
Before I came into the program, I was so focused on everyone else’s feelings that I had no idea how I felt. Plus, there was my fake self to keep propped up and maintained. Who has time for feelings? And who’d want to, anyway? At best, they’re messy and undignified. At worst, downright dangerous. I’m not getting any of that stuff on me, no way.
Yeah, ask me how that worked out.
One thing I didn’t know about myself was how scared I was. I knew I had trouble sleeping, and that my stomach was always in knots, and that I held my breath hundreds of times a day. But scared? Never crossed my mind. Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt, y’all.
I live about a block and a half from the interstate. The traffic noise is always there, so constant that I only notice it when something really loud goes by, like a siren or a motorcycle gang. Fear was like that, too. It was the background noise of my life…so ever-present that I only noticed it when something really loud, like an alcoholic crisis, went by. Then I had no healthy tools for coping, so out came the defects: control, manipulation, denial, blame, and all the rest.
So when I started working Step Four, uncovering my fears was, itself, terrifying. It felt like I was loosening a high-pressure lid, like maybe from a geyser or an oil well or a capped sewer line, and once it popped off I wouldn’t be able to put it back on. Was this really a good idea? I was functioning just fine, except for the health problems and the relationship issues and the alcoholic craziness and the general despair. Wouldn’t it be better just to leave well enough alone?
Except that “well enough” was killing me. Desperation won, and I started opening the lid. Sometimes willingness looks like reaching out one little finger, teeth clenched, eyes squeezed shut, trembling and cussing. Fortunately that’s all my Higher Power needs, to start with.
So I’d been working through the Step Four Paths to Recovery questions. I would write them out and then read selected parts to my Sponsor during our weekly meetings. She listened with the patience of about a dozen assorted saints, and her encouragement plus my people-pleasing kept me moving forward.
My daily step work time was spent in the Walmart parking lot. There, sitting in my car, was the only bubble of privacy I had. I’d leave for work early, stop off on the way, and write until it was time to really go to work. I’m sure I got some weird looks, and one time a man asked me to move my car so he could jump-start his, but overall the Walmart parking lot is an accepting place, and I looked forward to my quiet times there every workday morning.
I mention this because the memory of The Day I Figured Out What’s Wrong With Me is vividly tied to that place. I tried to get through one question a day–not always possible, because I wrote reams about everything–and that day’s question was, “Am I fearful? What do I fear? Why?”
My first answer was:
- Yes
- Everything
- I don’t know
True, but not helpful. So I prayed, and started again, with, “Okay, so should I just make a list? What do I fear?
- Everything
- Being exposed
- Having to explain my feelings…”
…and off I went, all the way down to number 36, which was, “Being myself”.
I felt as if I’d just thrown up: exhausted, shaky, a little relieved, but mostly overwhelmed by the mess I had to deal with. How could I be afraid of so many things? What the heck was wrong with me? Was I that sick?
No way, I thought, could all 36 of those be unrelated. (At least, I hoped.) Maybe I could try sorting them into categories, try to see some connection that would help me make some sense of this mess.
So I started. As I went down the list, I tried to group them based on what they had in common. Fear 1. was too general to be helpful, and Fear 5 (“something bad happening to one of my kids”) was no mystery, but 2. and 3. definitely belonged together somehow…
9. Saying the wrong thing
10. Social situations
11. Being seen
12. Not being able to hide my feelings
Funny, all those belong in the same category as 2. and 3. In fact, as I got further down the list, I still only had one category:
21. Crying in front of people
25. That once people get to know me they won’t like me
34. Calling people on the phone
35. Making the first move to communicate in general… “
And I suddenly realized that all 36 self-centered fears were exactly the same. Every one of those fears was just another branch from the same root. They were all some form of the fear of rejection.
Of all the typical Walmart parking lot weirdnesses, someone sitting in their car triumphantly yelling,”I know what’s wrong with me! I know what’s wrong with me!” was probably a new one.
But I felt like the clouds had parted and I’d seen the Matrix. That realization changed my life. I knew what was wrong with me. I walked around whispering, “I know what’s wrong with me!” to myself for several days, awed, as if I’d won the lottery.
Because all my life, I had never known what, exactly, the hell was wrong with me. And now I knew.
I felt as if I’d acquired a superpower. Just knowing what scared me removed so much fear from my life. Instead of the fighting the monster in the dark, I could turn on the lights. I saw how that fear controlled everything I did, all day long, every day. I had awareness! I knew now what was holding me back.
That matters, because I can’t turn things over to my Higher Power until I know what they are. I can’t keep from falling into the same hole again unless I know it’s there. I am stuck repeating those patterns, acting out my sickness, until the light of grace shows me what I need to let go of.
Did that fear magically vanish? Nope. But facing it destroyed its power to rule my life. Not all at once, and not completely; new insights still turn up on the regular. I find those sneaky tentacles everywhere. But I no longer feel helpless. As soon as I realize what I’m dealing with, I can move into Steps 5 through 9 and let my Higher Power do for me what I can’t.
The big, immediate change was that I lost my fear of inventory. I had always been so afraid to look at myself–afraid of finding final proof that I really was unredeemable, unlovable. Instead, I found that opening all those cans of worms is the way to freedom.
I saw the power of Step Four, and I threw myself into the rest of my inventory with brand new willingness. Inventory isn’t some kind of dreadful ordeal; it’s how I uncover the things that are making me sick, so I can start getting better.
If I want to live happy, joyous, and free, inventory is my best tool. And a list is just a really simple inventory.
Making lists is still one of my most powerful recovery tools. If I’m feeling scared, or stuck, or just generally crappy, a list gets me unblocked. There’s no need for grammar or cohesiveness, no need to try to make it all make sense: just dump it all out.
Just dumping everything onto paper, by itself, is a big step back towards serenity. Seeing things written out brings perspective. Thoughts that seemed rational in the confined space of my head start showing their true diseased colors, and I can reject some of the more unhelpful suggestions from the Committee. Usually I feel better before I even get to number 36.
Lists are especially helpful when I’m stuck in resentment and feeling really crazy. One of the most illuminating exercises ever: make a list of the things I resent in a situation, then make a list of the things I’m powerless over in that same situation. Surprise! The two lists are usually almost exactly the same. Then I have a list of things to start turning over to my Higher Power.
That list helps, because sometimes I’m swamped by big emotions. “Everything” is too big for me to handle. But “everything” is composed of lots of little things, and sometimes letting go of each of those little things by name gives me a lot of relief. Turning over my worry about my struggling kid is general. Turning over the fact that he hasn’t answered his phone in three days somehow helps way more. A list turns that big, nebulous tangle of feelings and worries and fears into known quantities. Then I can ask my Higher Power to carry them, one by one.
What’s on your list today? Share it in the comments!
Keep coming back!
