The holiday season is upon us, dammit. Oops, did I say that out loud?

That means turkey, pumpkin pie, family gatherings, expectations, stress, premeditated resentments, and memories of s#!tshows past. Whoops, sorry! Did I say that out loud, too?

I meant to say, love, joy, peace, and Norman-Rockwell-like bliss. Only that’s not the whole story, either. Reality usually falls somewhere in between. Sometimes a lot closer to one extreme than the other.

Rockwell vs. Reality

We think we see the Norman Rockwell version of the holidays happening in other families and feel cheated. Why does everyone else get to enjoy the holidays, and I’m stuck dealing with craziness? It’s supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year, but I’m stressed out of my mind, depressed, lonely, and wondering what the heck is wrong with me.

Alcoholic holidays are the sh!ts, period. No need to say more. The details may differ, but the effects of others’ drinking are crazymaking for all of us. That’s true year round, but the holidays seem to bring out the worst of it.

Even if active alcoholism isn’t a part of the picture, its effects can still haunt the holidays: dormant emotions awaken, bad memories revive. And those old behavior patterns that stay quiet the other eleven months of the year can come roaring back to life. It’s trigger season, y’all. Just walking into a certain house brings everything up to the surface. All my old outgrown defense mechanisms (ahem, character defects) snap right back into place. And that’s before people start showing up.

I was astonished when, after my dad died, the dynamics of our holidays really didn’t change much. Patriarch Qualifier was gone, but all of us non-drinkers still acted out our old sick roles. Oof! The problem didn’t disappear with the drinking, or even the drinker. It doesn’t disappear when I ignore it, either.

There’s a lot of pretending that goes on around the holidays. Social pressure to put a good face on things is intense. It helps me to realize that lots of people struggle with the holidays, and that I’m not alone in feeling crazy.

How did I get to that realization? Meetings, meetings, meetings. Lots of meetings, and lots of conversations with my sponsor and with program friends who were willing to be honest. It’s easy to slack off on meetings during the busy holiday season, but that’s when I need them the most.

Reality check

For me, the key to holiday sanity has been to acknowledge reality. That reality includes my feelings about the situation. If I’m feeling depressed or stressed, pretending I’m not only makes things worse. (Ask me how I know this!) Pretending I’m Fine when I’m Not Fine is one of my major character defects, so admitting these feelings to myself is the starting point.

I don’t have to wallow in them, or act on them. But admitting them to myself, to God, and to another human being keeps them from eating me alive. Then I can focus on other tools, like letting go of expectations and taking care of myself. Then gratitude can squeeze in.

There’s a lot to unpack around the holidays: staying sane during The Season is a full-time job. My hope is to go into each of these topics in more depth in future posts, but for now, here’s a quick list of some tools that may help.

A holiday toolbox checklist

• Dump Norman Rockwell. Expectations: the #1 holiday killer. I’m a lot saner when I can try to let go of those shiny happy holiday expectations. That means becoming aware of them, sneaky things! Which reminds me, I need to make a list..
• Stick to the program. All I have is a daily reprieve. Making time to Do All The Things–meetings, journaling, meditation, reading–keeps me sane. I really need to be sane. It’s a funny paradox that when I’m too busy to Do The Things is when I need them most. Funny, until I slack off and end up in the ditch. Sanity has to be a priority. It won’t happen by itself.
• Boundaries. A boundary doesn’t limit someone else’s behavior; it describes the action I’ll take when someone else’s behavior becomes unacceptable. I can think those out ahead of time, and reason them out with someone else if I need to.
• Have a plan. Maybe that looks like taking separate vehicles so I can leave early if I need to, or coming up with a code word to let my partner know when I need a break. Maybe it means letting a program friend know I’m anticipating a stressful day and asking them if I can give them a quick call if I feel extra crazy. Maybe if I’m hosting, it means announcing ahead of time what time dinner will be over so that everyone can, you know, go home while I still have a few drops of sanity left.
• Self-care. If I slack off here, I’m toast. I will have a slip, probably multiple slips, likely spectacular slips. Expecting myself to behave well when I haven’t slept right, eaten right, exercised, or spent time alone is –ha, ha, wait, I can’t type while I’m laughing. It’s not gonna happen. My inner toddler wins every time. It is so, so much easier to behave if the inner toddler is not throwing a tantrum. When I accept this and work with it, things go better.
• Acceptance. I am where I am in my recovery. It’s okay to feel how I feel about this right now. Practice using the three magic words: It’s okay if __________.
• Give yourself permission. Brené Brown talks about this in her books. It’s one of the most helpful ideas ever. I can give myself permission to do that thing to take care of myself during a family gathering: take a break, take a walk, leave a conversation, feel the feelings, text my sponsor, wear my most comfortable outfit even if it’s not the dressiest, keep the menu simple…whatever it is.
• Selective input. This might sound mean, but I try to stay away from people who brag about their Norman Rockwell holidays. (They’re probably lying, anyway!) I avoid holiday-themed conversations with that coworker. It’s okay if I skip reading the holiday newsletter full of the latest updates on that acquaintance’s perfect kids, perfect career, and big accomplishments. It’s even okay if I skip the Christmas party at work. Oh, and I don’t watch sappy holiday movies, and I stay off social media. Comparing my insides to other people’s carefully curated and airbrushed–sometimes totally fictional–outsides makes me crazier. I don’t have to feed that monster.
• Gratitude. Making a list, even a very simple one, is first aid for my soul. Even if the only thing on the list is, “I’m grateful for this &#$*! opportunity to practice my program today,” it’s a move towards sanity.

What’s in your toolbox?

So, how are you feeling today about the holidays? Talk to your HP, or write yourself a letter, or pick up that 1000-lb. phone and call a program friend. Or share in the comments. Let us know your favorite tool for staying sane during the holidays. We’re in this together.

Keep coming back!