Most of us have heard in program that “expectations are premeditated resentments.”

And it’s true. Oh, boy, is it true. When I did my resentments inventory, the word should popped up again and again. (Always regarding others’ actions, of course!) Over and over, the God of my understanding led me to see that I needed to let go of my expectations of the alcoholics and crazymakers in my life, and as I did, I started to feel saner. I thought I’d made progress.

I’m FINE, thanks

Then I got sick. Not call-for-last-rites sick, not rush-to-the-ER sick, just sick enough to turn me into a big whiny baby for a week or so. I managed to get myself to urgent care, get misdiagnosed, and stagger home with instructions to take Dayquil until I felt better in a day or two (ha, ha). I had a high fever and could barely drag myself from couch to bathroom and back. Just sitting up left me exhausted and breathless. I was weak, helpless and miserable.

And Partner Qualifier did…nothing.

No, wait, I take that back. He brought me one glass of water, once. Oh, and he might have gotten me a blanket. The rest of the time, I was on my own. I ate twice in three days. I shivered on the couch, alternately resentful and delirious, imagining how screwed I’d be if I ever really couldn’t move.

And did I ask for help? Noooo. I could take care of myself, thanks! If he didn’t even notice that I was dying here, that was fine. I wasn’t about to admit I felt abandoned and ignored. And there was no way I was going to let on that my feelings might have been just the tiniest bit hurt.

Nope. I pretended the whole time that I was FINE.

Why did he do that? Because I taught him to. He assumed I was fine because I’d given him thousands of cues, over years and years: I don’t need you. I’m fine. Leave me alone. I’d pretended to be FINE so many times that he bought it.

He’s not heartless, just kinda clueless. If I had asked for help, he would’ve helped me. In his own clumsy, sincere way. (Did I mention the time he brought the leafblower into the house to get the dust off the ceiling fans? That kind of help. But still, it would’ve been a step in the right direction.)

And why didn’t I ask? Pride and resentment. (Along with a slight worry that leafblowers would be involved. Not that I’m still upset about that.) A few deep disappointments early on in our relationship left me determined not to depend on him for anything. And where do disappointments come from? Yup, say it with me…expectations!

But not really fine

Here’s what I learned during that illness: Expectations cause problems even when they are perfectly reasonable expectations.

The expectations I let go of during Steps Four, Five and Six were things I came to understand were unrealistic. Thinking that my qualifiers should behave a certain way, thinking that I could prevent problems in their lives if they’d just let me control manage things for them, thinking that I could change them. Letting go of those expectations removed a lot of resentments from my life, because I wasn’t constantly disappointed and frustrated anymore.

But what about expecting your significant other to notice you’re too sick to move? And, um, maybe make sure you don’t starve or die of dehydration? Isn’t it okay to expect that they’ll help you when you’re obviously in distress? Isn’t that reasonable?

Yes, it’s perfectly reasonable. And guess what? I still have to let go of it.

Even though

I felt abandoned because it is a totally reasonable expectation that partners should take care of one another when they’re sick. And whose fault was that?

Mine. Mine, mine, all mine.

Why? Because the source of my hurt feelings was not my partner’s actions; it was my expectations. Even though those expectations were totally reasonable. Even though most normal people do not ignore their partner’s needs when they’re sick as a proverbial dog.

It made no sense to blame and resent my partner when he was just following a pattern we’d established over decades. What happened that week was the logical conclusion of me being FINE for so long.

I saw that it was my wishing he’d acted differently that was the problem. And then I saw that that’s pretty much always the problem. In all my relationships. Not only with my qualifiers, but with the untreated Al-Anons in my life and with what an AA friend calls ‘normies.’ (If you’re not friends with any AAs, fix that as soon as possible. They’re the funniest people alive.)

Expectations are always the problem. All the time. With everyone.

My wishing things were different is the source of 99.9% of my unhappiness, even when what I wish for is perfectly reasonable. (Although, never having been a ‘normie,’ sometimes my judgement is a little off.) For my serenity, for my sanity, I need to figure out what my expectations are and start letting them go.

Know that old saying: “You can be happy, or you can be right?” I used to think that applied to winning arguments and think, Yeah, no, that’s all backwards. Being right MAKES me happy. But I see it a little differently now: I can have serenity, or I can have my idea of how things should be. Expectations will destroy my life if I let them. I can still set boundaries, because boundaries are about my behavior. But the road to insanity is paved with expectations.

It’s a short, short step from expectations to all my character defects: control, manipulation, victim mentality, and all the rest of the things that make my life unmanageable. I’ve spent enough time in that black hole. I’d rather have serenity.

Expectations vs. recovery

Now, if only I knew what my expectations were! ‘My partner should help me when I’m sick’ is a no-brainer. But most of my expectations fly under the radar. They’re so well camouflaged, I don’t even know they’re there until I stub my feelings on them. And even then, I don’t always realize the source of the problem. I mean, isn’t the problem other people’s behavior?

Ha, ha. Just kidding. The problem is me. It’s always me.

This means I have work to do. I have to learn how to become aware of my expectations, in all my relationships, in all their sneaky, reasonable-looking disguises. I have to accept that my expectations and the feelings they create, like all my other thoughts and attitudes, are my responsibility. And then I have to become entirely willing to let them go. It kind of looks like Mt. Everest from down here. I’m grateful that my Higher Power always goes before me. I’m going to really need His help.

Plus, it’s time to start letting go of being FINE all the time. That’s more than enough to keep me busy for the next 24 hours.

Keep coming back!